My name is Zaraki Kenpachi and I'm fukin' single
by Seriously Yours
Summary: Companion Piece to My name is Retsu Unohana, and I am single. What the lean mean fighting machine of Soul Society thinks about all the women in it. If you thought that Unohana was picky...you should see Kenpachi. ONESHOT of pure chick bashing.


My name is Zaraki Kenpachi and I am fukin' single.

With all the chicks in Seretei, you might be thinking that I'm queer or something. Maybe I should put your mind at rest by decapitating your head?

But seriously, Yachiru has been pestering me for a while now…asking for a mommy and I'm running out of excuses to give her. The fact is, there's something wrong with the women in Soul Society.

Take that Soi Fong for instance, a colder bitch from hell would be harder to find. Not to mention she's got a thing for that cat woman Yourichi. Ugh…what a turn off.

The healer woman Unohana from the fourth squad seems to have everyone fooled, even more than that bastard Aizen. Oh but I see through her tricks all right. She's damn evil. How the hell else has she managed to make my entire gang into quivering cowards after one of her annual check-ups? Most of 'em have nightmares about it afterwards. Only Yumichika seems to enjoy the physicals. But then again that damned fucker is weirder than shit.

The healer woman's sidekick doesn't seem to have her master's evilness. But then again she doesn't seem to have much of a personality either.

But I'm not just a personality man myself. I do appreciate a pretty face.

Once upon a time in Seretei, I _did_ see a face that I liked. But that face was attached to a neck that was attached to an arm that had a vice captain armband attached. It read: Twelfth Division so I dropped that idea like Ikkaku's underwear. Funny though, that creepy android Mayuri even offered his daughter to me, in exchange for 5 hours of experimentation. Heh…like I'd spend even a fucking second with that weird asshole.

When that redheaded bastard Renji was in my division, the other apes were beating him up 'cus he was apparently hot for that Kukchi chick Rukia. I told him that it wasn't a smart idea to fall for a girl who's brother was prettier than she was. Could cause problems in the future…if you know what I mean Heh heh heh.

Matsumoto Rangiku, what's wrong with her you might wanna know? Well I'm a man of moderation and frankly her breasts scare me…I mean they scare Yachiru. You know the saying about 'too much of a good thing' right? Yeah well…that applies in this case. I'm afraid if I get to close, her boobs might swallow me whole.

Hmm…there is Momo Hinamori…the Fifth squad vice captain who's heart broken over Aizen and shit. …Now I hate dealing with head-cases and besides she's got that cotton puff Hitsugaya watching out for her…and I'm not in the mood for a 3 inch tooth pick telling me " IF YOU LAY ONE FINGER ON HER I'M GOING TO FREEZE YOUR BALLS OFF"….Kid…listening to your high pitched _voice_ makes my balls freeze.

Let's see who else is there? 8th squad Nanao Ise. No-nonsense, Nohowish, no boobs, no fun. Plus…I think she comes in a buy one-get two deal with her captain…and I don't want to baby sit some sleazy, sake slugging, stoned slacker anyway!

Did I miss anyone? Oh yeah…there IS that annoying brat from the 13th division. You know…the sister of the Healer women's side-kick: Kiyone Kotetsu. What…don't remember her? She's the one who goes around fan-girling Ukitake. "Oh Taichou's SOOO great and he has SUCH pretty hair and fights SOOOO well. Ukitake Taichou is SOOO BRAVE and SO noble to continue on even if he's SOOOO sick….blah blah I'm going to puke blah.

So, did you get it through your thick heads that the men in Soul Society are in some deep shit? Not a _single_ woman who can satisfy my simple tastes. Ugh!

Hey…there's still ONE chick left…the ryoka girl who came prancing in to save Rukia Kuchki but pretty much didn't do squat…what's her name? Ahhh yes, Inoue Orihime.

Ditzy, clumsy, starry-eyed twit she was…but she DID have orange hair….reminds me of Kurosaki Ichigo….yeah….Kurosaki Ichigo….now that's someone I wouldn't mind being reminded of. SO I'VE MADE UP MY MIND!!!--------------------------Ichigo Kuro…I mean Inoue Orihime it is!

Far away in Karakura town…an orange haired teenage boy sneezed violently.


End file.
